Melinda's Blog
Friday, February 05, 2010
i need more than words of love and i need more than just being fucked.. i need actions of love.. i need a man that i can trust and respect so i can be trustworthy and respectful to him.. i need a man who wants a WOMAN to make love to.. i need and want my soulmate because its more than just my body that has needs...
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Friday, February 05, 2010
i cant promise not to say mean things to you if you hurt me... i cant help it but i lash out when i hurt....
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Friday, February 05, 2010
i cant love anyone unconditionally.. my heart and mind is limited on the amount of pain it can take..
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Friday, February 05, 2010
i have a problem with jealousy and ive never kept that a secret.. its out the in the open for everyone to know.. ive never denied it.. i need a man that loves me enough that i dont have to worry about being jealous.. i need a relationship that makes me feel secure and that it will last.. i need a man that makes me feel special... i need one that makes me feel beautiful even with this ugly face and body..
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Friday, February 05, 2010
we deserve to be with people that make us happy and feel beautiful and desired and wanted and loved... i dont want to settle for someone thinking i cant have what i want or deserve... it may never come but it also could pass me right up if im not available..
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Wednesday, February 03, 2010
im not 14 anymore
yes i know im not 14 anymore.. i cant help that i grew up.. thats life.. not only did my body grow and get fat and ugly but my mind grew as well.. i am a woman now and i desire a man. i cant help that your mind didnt grow up and you still sexually desire kids but will use a woman to hide that fact but your body did grow up and youre not good lookin anymore either.. youre old and ugly also... if you think youre gonna find a little girl who you can spend the rest of your life with, you better wake up...... i told you if you played games id play too.... YOUR TURN TO THROW THE NEXT STONE....
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Sunday, January 31, 2010
blame
dont ya just love it when a smooth talkin liar gets caught up in something they did how they blame it on someone else and you believe yet another lie........ until you find out it was a lie too then they tell you another lie blaming it on someone else and you dont know to believe that or not then the truth comes out once again to find that was just a lie too then in the end the smooth talkin liar gets mean when they cant think of anymore lies to make you believe and tells you its all in your head... they aint so smooth when they dont have no one else to blame... kinda funny aint it....
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Sunday, January 31, 2010
lonely
lonely
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Sunday, January 31, 2010
can we really take it back
when we give parts of our heart away can we really take it back? i say no..
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Friday, January 29, 2010
love dont hurt
the heart is a good guide but we usually dont listen to it right away cause our hopeful brains call it a liar or lies to us telling us things will get better till the truth hits us hard.. being hopeful for something thats not meant to be is what hurts.. love dont hurt.. only finding out its not the right love hurts..
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Saturday, January 23, 2010
Yes, I am crazy.
I am crazy for caring for people who don't give a shit about me.
I am crazy for putting up with being abused more than once.
I am crazy for lashing out to someone for hurting me.
I am crazy for running away from pain.
I am crazy for running out of fear.
I am crazy for running when I don't know what else to do.
I am crazy for letting people use me.
I am crazy for forgiving them more than once.
So yes, I am crazy.
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Tuesday, January 19, 2010
IM FALLING IN LOVE WITH A WOMAN
i found this at an old blog that i had forgot about..
"its true… i am falling in love with a woman.. with men out of the way, i can see her now and i have been gettin to know her the past few months and every day she gets more beautiful.. she is courageous, creative, smart, funny, sexy and loving.. she is a woman i used to hate.. i have hated her with passion at times but now all i wanna do is love her… i wanna be her best friend.. i wanna be someone she can trust and believe in.. i want her to be proud of me.. i love me"
i messed up that love because i let men in my life that didnt love me after i posted that and now i miss that woman... i want to love her again...
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Tuesday, January 19, 2010
I LOVE YOU
i love you.. i will always love you.. i will love you forever… i want to be with you always and forever … me and you babe always and forever… awwww what lovely words….. or are they…. what does it mean when people say this stuff anyway….. i like being with you… right now.. you make me horny.. right now…i may not want you tomorrow, next week, next month or next year.. well who knows, someone better looking or smoother talking may come along.. you may piss me off.. you may be rats ass ugly when im not horny anymore… what some people call love isnt really nice is it and always and forever arent really long times are they…lol… why dont people say what they really mean… maybe because they dont know the difference between being horny and being in love… i can help ya out… you dont have to stay ignorant… if it makes ur heart feel good, its love.. if it makes between ur legs feel good, ur horny… understand?? lol
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Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Update on love story chapter
It ended up not being love.
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Thursday, January 14, 2010
Sad and Lonely
Some days it don't bother me to be alone or to think I will spend the rest of my life alone but then sometimes, like now, it does bother me. I am sad and lonely and I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone but I probably will cause I keep gettin with the wrong guys. No one has ever loved me enough and probably no one ever will. I wish I was a different person then maybe someone would love me enough.
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Thursday, January 14, 2010
guys are so messed up
i once dated a guy who asked me to wear low cut shirts to show off my cleavage then a few weeks later he said to me while lookin at my tits... "those big boobs don't impress me none. it's the nipples i like"... what the fuck???? theres no makin men happy...
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Wednesday, January 13, 2010
My loss
My loss he says. Hummm.. Let me go over this and see just how bad it is. I've lost him stealing from me. { I hope } I've lost him talkin mean to me and laughing at me when he's drugged up. { I hope } I've lost being out money on him. { I hope }
Humm.. Don't seem too bad at all to me. It actually sounds pretty damn good. Now if I could just lose the fear of him and his son hurting me, I'd be in great shape.
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Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Feelings
I haven't talked to Martin in 5 days. Not sure what I feel.....
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Friday, January 08, 2010
I love you
I love you are such ugly words.
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Friday, January 08, 2010
Tired
I'm so tired of being pushed aside for others. I'm tired of others being more important than me. I'm tired of stupid relationships. I'm tired of bullshit. I'm tired of being stupid. And I'm tired of being tired.
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Friday, January 8, 2010
Trust
I'm not trustworthy when I don't trust someone. And I don't trust anyone.
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Monday, January 4, 2010
do people
Do people really fall in love? Do peoples dreams really come true?
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Monday, December 28, 2009
I love Martin
I love Martin.. We make each other nuts but I love him.
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Saturday, December 5, 2009
wanted
I just wanted Martin to prove me wrong but he proved me right. How can I keep being so stupid? How do I stop this fucking shit? How do I stop trusting fucking losers? How do I stop getting with losers? Will I ever fucking stop?
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Friday, December 4, 2009
i love you
are such ugly words. they make me sick..
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Friday, December 4, 2009
aint it funny
aint it funny how people like to blame other people for all their problems.. they never want to own up to any fuck ups they do.. i know im a mess up and i own up to it but i dont do all the fuck ups all by myself.. im not that powerful... but some people like to place all the blame on me.. aint it funny...
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Friday, December 4, 2009
I'm so over this fucking bullshit
Man oh man.. Please no more men.. I don't care if you are dying, gonna kill yourself, lying, lonely or whatever the fuck, just stay away from me.. How in the hell do I get this fucking fuck me over sign off myself... I DONT WANNA DATE NO MORE FUCKING MEN.. STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.. Let me be a fucking old maid...
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Thursday, December 3, 2009
no one
no one is happy but that is no surprise to me.. it is nothing new..
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Thursday, December 3, 2009
feeling
sad and lonely
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Sunday, November 29, 2009
oral sex
oh my goodness.. i cum so hard the other day i lost control and i beat him up from excitement while he was still eating me..
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Wednesday, November 25, 2009
missing
I'm missing Martin.. He may be a huge pile of shit and a loser but I miss him. I love him.
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Tuesday, November 24, 2009
feelings
sad, lonely, all that shit.
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Thursday, November 19, 2009
games
I played a game that I knew I wouldn't win just to make a man that I care about feel good. I didn't think I would get hurt with this one but like always I got hurt. Why do I choose them over me? Is he happy now that the truth is out and he has once again pushed away my love? Will it change anything for him? Unlike all the rest will this one be his to keep? She's a child so I doubt it. I don't know why I can't find a man that wants my love to keep, that wants me to stay forever, that wants me for more than a temporary feel good pick me up good time. I don't know why my arms is not enough, why my sex is not enough and why my love is not enough.
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Wednesday, November 18, 2009
feelings
Let my heart be of stone. Let me feel nothing. I don't want to feel compassion, sympathy or love anymore. Those feelings always lead me to hurting and the pain lasts longer than anything good and I'm tired of it.
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Tuesday, November 17, 2009
im so messed up
I called him today and told him that I was sorry for telling him to kill his self.. I always mess up. I always do the wrong thing even when I try to do good.. I'm so sad. I hurt so much but it's all my fault and I know it. I can't make nothing better for anyone but I still try and I always fuck things up. ALWAYS. I should have just stayed away and let whatever was to happen happen but nooooooooo I had to stick my nose in it.. I know I can't make anything better but I still try. Why the hell do I do that? Is it compassion, sympathy,love? I don't want it no more if that's it. No more.... Let my heart be of stone. Let me feel nothing.
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Monday, November 16, 2009
funny things
I've spent the past few weeks trying to give him a reason to live and today I tell him to kill his self... He hurt me deeply.
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Monday, November 16, 2009
hahaha
life is so grand... last night he spent a while trying to convince me that he loved me but ended up admitting that he was in love with his nephews 16 year old girlfriend... isnt that just lovely.. why the hell didn't he just wanna be friends? is this shit luck of mine ever gonna end????? aint life grand!!!!!
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Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The thief
He stole from me then rubbed it in my face with a smile. What about my fucking feelings? Why am I not caring about my feelings? What the fuck is wrong with me? How crazy am I? Why can't I stop being so fucking stupid?
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Wednesday, November 11, 2009
feelings
I don't wanna feel anything right now.
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Sunday, November 8, 2009
letting go
Why do I have such a hard time letting go? Yes, I'm still talking to him. I haven't been able to stop. I'm not ready to stop.
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Saturday, November 7, 2009
I wanna stay in the hole
I live in a deep hole.. It's dark, scary, cold and lonely here yet it's the safest place I know. Sometimes people try to pull me out only to push my back in. I wish they would just leave me alone and let me stay in my hole.
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Saturday, November 7, 2009
3rd times the charm
3rd times the charm they say... for what i ask... i loved 3 guys when i was a kid and i loved them again as an adult and they all 3 let me know that my love still wasnt good enough for them... but i cant blame them.. i should never have tried to go back... it doesnt really matter which way i go, ill never be good enough for anyone and i know that..
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Friday, November 6, 2009
love and sex
I had saved myself for a year and half waiting for Mr Right but an old friend came back into my life talking about killing himself so I gave myself to him because I wanted to give him a reason to live. He didn't kill hisself. I wonder if he was ever going to.
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Friday, November 6, 2009
How many
How many men is it gonna take hurting me and letting me know that I'm not good enough to make me know that I'm not good enough? Actually I know it but I still hold on to that tiny piece of hope that someday I will be good enough. Why the hell can't I just let go of the tiny bit of hope for it is a lie just like the men?
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Thursday, November 5, 2009
The good
When the good was in charge there was no arms any better or more loving. It always felt right when I was in the arms of the one who loves...
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Thursday, November 5, 2009
I fear for my life
Is he really dying or is it all in his head? One of him scares me real bad.. I mean real bad. The bad is evil and dangerous. Yes I do fear for my life now. It wasn't bad enough that love led me into pain now it may have led me to danger. I wish it would just stop leading me anywhere since it can't take me to the right place. How can I trust in love?
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Thursday, November 5, 2009
I choose me
I was dealing with his other problems even when he scared me but I wont put up with him stealing from me and lying to me. What next? Maybe he would beat me or try to pimp me out. I don't know but it wouldn't surprise me. I'm sorry for him and I wanted to help but I wont be abused. I choose me..
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Tuesday, November 3, 2009
help
I don't know what to do.
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Tuesday, November 3, 2009
confused
I'm so confused..
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Sunday, November 1, 2009
ooops
ooops I did it again... I'm not a virgin anymore.. damn that Martin..lol..
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Tuesday, October 27, 2009
love story chapter
Oh my God. Oh my God. This is not real. I feel like I'm in a chapter of a sad love story. The most wonderful goodbye hugs, such tender goodbye kisses and those special words. This could never happen to me. It had to be a dream. Tonight did not happen. I could not have been the girl standing there. I'm not that special. I am no one. Oh Lord, I can't even talk about it right now. Oh Lord Oh Lord, what do I do with the information I have? As unreal as it was I am thankful I got goodbye lovins. That was such a blessing. Now if only the goodbye was slowed way down. I'm so confused on what to feel or think.
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Thursday, October 22, 2009
less
less pain today
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Monday, October 19, 2009
I'm hurting
I'm hurting.
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Monday, October 19, 2009
No One Will
No One Will
When she is lonely and needs a friend,
who will be there for her to turn to?
No one will, cause no one cares if she is blue.
When she falls to her knees,
who will help her stand?
No one will,cause no one has a helping hand.
When the tears run down her face,
who will wipe her eyes?
No one will, cause no one sees her cry.
When her heart breaks into,
who will help her mend it?
No one will, cause no one gives a shit.
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Tuesday, October 13, 2009
jail
I quit paying my credit card bills a few months ago. I don't care if I go to jail. I'm tired of life as I know it. Maybe I should commit a crime so I would be sure to go to jail.. Maybe I'll just load my arms down with lots of crap and walk right out of Wal Marts door. My luck I'd get by with it...lol
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Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The truth
The truth is I'm not good enough for anyone and when they realize it they run and I'm left holding the bag of confused mixed feelings.. But then again I guess it happens to everyone or almost everyone.. I'm just tired of the pain. Why the hell do I feel so much pain?
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Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I wasn't his friend
I wasn't his friend at all... All I was, was a fucking temporary band aid. I don't wanna help heal broken hearts no more because it means I get mine broke over and over and over. I'm tired of hurting. Leave me the fuck alone. Stop playing with my emotions and feelings. That goes for everyone.
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Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Like a mad woman
I have been cleaning house like a mad woman for the past week or longer.. Hell, I've been so busy that I lost track of time.. But then again I'm not good with time so who cares..lol.. It looks like a home now and not a barn.. My brother said it looks like a human lives here now.. Damn!! What a thing to say....lol
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Sunday, September 13, 2009
When I think I'm ready
When I think I'm ready to date all I have to do is look at a beautiful woman and I know I'm really not ready.
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Saturday, September 12, 2009
missing him
I'm really missing a friend a lot right now. I want to tell him but I wont. There's no need. I wont take the chance of makin him even an ounce sad.
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Monday, August 24, 2009
so sad
i am so sad today
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Thursday, August 20, 2009
depressed
I am so depressed. I'm so tired. I don't want to do much of anything. I've let myself and my house cleaning go to hell. I quit paying some of my bills and don't worry if the rest gets paid on time or not. I just get tired of living sometimes. People just don't know how bad I really feel. Not that it would matter if they did. I cry out for help but it does no good. I don't know what to do. Maybe I would feel better if I unplugged my phone and locked my door for a week or two. Maybe if I could just hide from the world. If only I could hide from me for a little while. Maybe if I had a caring loving shoulder to cry on. Maybe I should let hope die.
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Sunday, August 16, 2009
permanent
I'm tired of being temporary. Will I ever be someone's permanent love? I want to be a permanent love.
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Thursday, August 13, 2009
Letting go
Letting go isn't easy or quick for me when I don't want to let go, even when I know it's best. I've been trying to let go of feelings for someone for a little while now but I'm having a hard time. I've been trying to keep my hurt hid. I don't think they have any idea how I feel and that's probably for the best. I'm just a stupid little girl.
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Thursday, August 13, 2009
Feelings.
It seemed that he wanted to get closer but I was scared of getting close to him. What if I fell for him then he didn't want me? I was scared to open up and let him see inside me yet I wanted him to know me for my feelings for him was growing more and more. I was afraid he would turn away if he saw the real me but I showed him myself anyway, hoping my fears were for nothing so I did it afraid and then he didn't want to be close anymore. Things changed, just as I feared. I knew they would. Why did I not listen to my inner voice? Why did I not listen to my fears? Because I still have hope for love. Will that hope keep hurting me? I sure hope not. Maybe I should forget about hope and listen to fear. Fear is the truth that I know to be honest. Hope always lets me down.
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Wednesday, August 12, 2009
What does he think I am?
Ok, so he sends me an email a few days ago sayin hes sorry for not writing in such a long time and askin do I forgive him.... Well, I tell him there's nothing to forgive then I havent heard from him since.. So now I"m thinking, so why did he email me?Did he have me on the back burner of his mind just in case it didnt work out with his woman, at the least I'd be good enough to talk to when he had no one else? How am I suppose to feel if thats the case? Well I'm feeling pretty shitty over just thinking about it...
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Friday, July 31, 2009
underage adults
A 15 year old child that thought he was an adult and lived as an adult for several years having sex and doing drugs and drinking, died like an adult as a child. He was not an adult. He was a child and I love him. Steven was my nephew that I loved like a son.
Don't be afraid to talk to your kids when they're young about the dangers of drinking, huffin gas, huffin anything, smoking pot or takin drugs.. Steven started when he was young and died when he was 15. It's not cool to talk about the things you do or did as a kid to get high in front of a kid. It's not cool to let your kids get high.
Steven Ray Mahon October 13th 1987 to August 4th 2003.
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Thursday, July 30, 2009
Dear Love
I have been hid so long that I fear you may never find me. Oh how I long for you. I ache for you. Will I ever get to hold you and keep you?
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Wednesday, July 29, 2009
a little sad and lonely
Yeah, I'm just a little sad and lonely right now.
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Friday, July 17, 2009
:-)
Today is a pretty good day... Part of my depression was due to having feelings for a man.. I just wasn't ready and I let myself want him, desire him and yes, even love him only to have him not return the feelings. That's the story of my life tho.. Nothing new. Oh how I long for the new.
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Saturday, July 11, 2009
today
Today's not so bad :-)
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Tuesday, June 30, 2009
I feel
I feel embarrassed and ashamed for lettin myself have feelings for him. What the hell is wrong with me? I heard him say good bye loud and clear and he didn't even speak a word. Why don't he just say it and get it over with. I hate the waiting. Nothing's gonna stop the hurt anyway but time.
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Friday, June 19, 2009
I hurt
I feel like I'm always gonna be a loser.
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Monday, June 15, 2009
My Steven
I miss you so much.
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Monday, June 1, 2009
feelings
I'm 43 years old and I can't believe I still invest my feelings in someone I know isn't right for me. Maybe I fear there isn't someone right for me out there. I just don't know why I do it but I wish I would quit.
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Thursday, May 28, 2009
lonely
very lonely
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Thursday, May 28, 2009
I'm lost
I don't know where to go. I don't know which way to turn. I don't know where I am. I'm lost.
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Thursday, May 28, 2009
I wait
For nothing I wait. Day after day nothing happens, yet I keep waiting. How can I be so stupid? How can I believe in something I'm not sure of?
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Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Missing someone
I always feel like I'm missing someone. Maybe I started out as a twin. Maybe that's why I can't shake the feelin of being alone no matter who I'm with.. Maybe that's why I always feel I'm missing someone.
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Thursday, January 29, 2009
A good walk
Today I took a good walk. It was 27 degrees, icy and snowy. I'm not one for walks in the winter but it was very nice.
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Wanna go back home
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